Halloween Definitions

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking
his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in
your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to
fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there’s housework to
be done.

Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after
losing each week.

Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape
your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit
smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning
coffee.

Leopard Update: VERY IMPORTANT!

OK, before you install leopard make sure that you TURN OFF FILEVAULT!!!!!!! VERY IMPORTANT. We learned the hard way. Thankfully though we were able to get back our important documents. Why should you turn off Filevault? Simple, all the accounts where filevault is turned on, you will not ever be able to get back into again. But we had a full system backup, and were able to restore pretty much everything except for the accounts which we did not have backed up. One of which was mine. So it’s a good thing I had all my important files on the pc. If you have already installed leopard and you had file vault turned on, hopefully you had a backup of the files, if you didn’t well then it’s too bad for you, ’cause you ain’t never gonna see them again! But if you have leopard installed with filevault on, in some of the accounts, reinstall tiger, you can do a clean erase if you want because even if you archive and install, you won’t be able to access the files anyway. So reinstall tiger, make sure you had a back-up of the files on an external drive, and then reinstall leopard and then restore your files back to your computer. Hopefully this helps somebody who has any problems.But just so everyone knows, no you can’t sue apple because they did have it written down, when you put the install disk in and then you click more information, they do tell you to turn off filevault before you install.

Card Name

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention

hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the

guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,

credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address

him by name.

 

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests

presented a corporate credit card. “Welcome to Williamsburg,

Mr. Bell,” the desk clerk said.

 

“Oh, please,” the man replied, “call me Taco.”

When There’s a Need to Call the Police

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up t o bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don’t mess with old people!!

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully

recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result

in Linoleum Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the

key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed

in the end.

16. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a

mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she

thought she’d dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of

defeat.

Leopard!!!!

Oh yeah, we got it tonight!!!!!!!! I am so majorly excited right now ’cause it’s installing on the mac, while I write this on the ol’ paperweight, er, dell. SSSWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard

Oh yeah, Leopard finally came 1 hour and 9 minutes ago. With over 300 new features leopard is going to be way cool man. I so can’t wait to get it. Maybe even tonight! Oh yeah baby!!! Wow!!! It finally came out!!!!!! OK, yeah I’ll calm back down to normal in about 3 weeks.

0-200 IN 6 SEC

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Lesson in Marketing

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome -one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite. “The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

Colored Folks

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas:

When I was born, I was BLACK,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK,

When I was scared, I was BLACK,

When I was sick, I was BLACK,

And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK

NOW, You “white” folks….

When you’re born, you’re PINK,

When you grow-up, you’re WHITE,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you’re cold, you turn BLUE,

When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW,

When you get sick, you’re GREEN,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,

And when you die, you look GRAY

So who y’all callin’ COLORED folks?